What's inside the clouds?

I've got some new goals. Continually growing and changing and reshaping my future. Now I imagine that I will be a professor someday. But not today. I want to own a bar in some hip liberal college town. I want to see and meet many people in my life. I want to smell, eat, taste foods from around the world. I want to drink all the wine I can get my hands on. I want to own a tea shop. I want to write a book that will change my life. I want to see myself in a two piece bikini. I want to color my hair blue. I want to dress up as a freaky goth anime character once. I want to be an expert at everything I do and know. Maybe I'll sing karaoke one day. I want to dive into the ocean. I want to save the penguins. I want to build a house with my own hands. I want a personal assistant and fashion expert. I want to collect expensive furniture and art. I want to collect folk art from all over the world. I want to meet a man who will sweep me off my feet. I want to be excited like when I was a kid on Christmas Eve. I want to try everything on the menu of the local Korean Restaurant. I want to meet a Korean actor. A hot one at that. I want someone to make me bedtime stories. I want to have an epic dream. I want to ride a horse, camel, a big dog, and a reindeer led sleigh. I want to save a child. I want to adopt a child. I want to learn to hula hoop. I will learn to swim one day. I want to own a bookstore. I want to laugh. I want peace on Earth. I've seen the Great Wall.

If anyone reads this, what do you want to do before you die?  Give me your list! :) 

yami probably doesn't know
but i use her page to get to my page..

:P if she ever reads this :P

":p: is all i can say.

i am pretty drunk.. not that trunk :P .. but if there is any mispelling.. oops

the sound of... snow plowing machinges urged me out there,

my exusee is smoking...

i don't smoke
but i do have a pck of cig..

anyway i know my sister will read this..
but
it was worth it ... writitng.. i wish i can write every thought i have

it was beautilfy
,,,,

the snow is beautiful..
its onl,y 936 pm. central american time standard..

it was beautiful..

i want to write everything i witnessed..

but

alcohol.. makes me gassy..

roomy already sleeping..

life is so beautiful.

I felt the need to splurge. So I went and bought two books and a journal. Somehow, I felt like buying these books would help me move on or at least help me cope.

The first book is called Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent by Judy Ford. The other one is a happiness book. o.O not sure what it is about I have not cracked it. But I did crack my Flylady book. It taught me to wear clothes, shoes and keep my sink shiny. Actually, it is working. I actually cleaned the sink and put on presentable clothing. But no shoes. -.- I think that is too much.

Do you know what I have realized? I don’t know very much about the world. Roomy knows more in that department. Sometimes I wonder if it even matters. Should I know about the wars in the middle east (not caused by the U.S. as well as those that we are involved.) Actually, I should know. @.@ But it is not on my priority list right now.

Something I wrote a long time ago and decided to repost here.
---
My family was really really poor. My dad was still going to school, there was 7 kids in the family and my mom could not work (b/c she stayed home with us kids).

The winter time was the harshest for us. We would be wearing layers of our summer clothing. Before school starts my parents would buy us each a new pair of clothes. A couple of Shirts, one pants, pack of sox, pack undies, and a coat. Usually my younger brothers would wear clothing from my brothers who were older from the year before.

But one year my parents fell into a rut. They could not afford food, much less clothing for us. So my mom decided to go to a nearby church that gave out clothes. She swallowed her pride and went to the church for clothing for us. She dragged me a long. I remember I was old enough (4th grade) to be embarassed and know that we were too poor to buy clothes. So I stood at the door waiting for my mom as she picked through the piles of donated clothes.

She called me into the room. I reluctantly walked in. She held up a beautiful dress for me. She was measuring it on me and I was being a pain rolling my eyes and telling her to hurry up. Even though I was embarassed I also agreed with my mom that the dress was really pretty. I was actually happy that she had picked out that dress. I hadn't been able to choose my own clothes before and would always end up with clothes and shoes that were 2 sizes bigger. Everything looked baggy and ugly on me then. But this dress was so pretty with frills and cute pink flowers. Something I wanted. But I would not admit this.

My mom folded it up and placed it into a garbage bag and went back to look somemore. She told me to watch the stack of garbage bags that she had tied up. By this time it was noon and more people were showing up. I began to be annoyed and ashamed. I didn't want them to see me here. Everyone there was dirty, to me at least. I was afraid of touching anyone in that small room.

Then there were people pushing and screaming. Everyone wanted to get in. There was a long line out of the building. I got pushed over and became very angry. Finally my mom finished up and I helped her take the bags out to the car. She counted 2 bags. The third bag was missing. We could not find it anywhere. There was too many people around, EVERYONE had a black rumpled up half filled garbage bag.

My mom opened up the first bag and rummaged through it. Then the second one. She looked at me with sad eyes and didn't say anything. We walked out of the building to the van.

I never got my dress.

What I want o.o

I'm sitting here recollecting my weekend. There was a tense moment when I became a b.i.t.c.h. with my brother and rude to my hosts. First of all, my 19-year-old brother is visiting me for a week. Mostly to get away from life and get some space for himself to get his life straight. Which is good and fine. As his older sister I feel the need to guide him along.

Well, the afternoon started off well. With me taking him to the park and flying my kite. He's still at the stage where, nothing is cool enough for him and has misconceived notions about life and his place in it. We were discussing this as we walked around the park. Some things he said just made me double-take and ask him to repeat. For example, the things he hates with a passion, WHITE people. o.o Yeah ok. I get annoyed with animal kinds and most if not all human kinds, but I wasn't raised to be prejudice. Or so I thought. So, how can my brother be this way? So I make an argument (like a paper argument, not a screaming fit argument) that sweeping judgments are not accurate and that someone not as benevolent as I am will 'put him in his place' if he doesn't learn to think before he makes generalized comments like that.

That was just to set up my whole defensive mood that day. Later on in the evening we go to our cousin's place to have dinner. Dinner went fine. I had to force my bro to eat, because, maybe eating at other people's houses was not cool enough for him or something along those lines. He didn't say that, but I KNEW he was hungry yet there is no other reason why he would refuse to eat. o.O.. so again more and more irritated with how he is.

He is drinking with my cousin's husband and her brother-in-law. Fine. I'm there, he can't over do it. I help my cousin cook and chit chat with her. We eat. All is good. Then I realize that we should get going since I had plans for later on in the evening.

This is what this is the start of what this whole journal is about.

I go out there, tell him I'm ready to go. "Let's go." I say. I could have said please, but remember, I was irritated.

Then my bro says, "Yeah, Mai, Why don't you go back into the living room and watch Korean drama while I finish my beer and cigarette."

WHAT?! WHat?!!!! What did my little brother just say to me? I was furious. Being irritable and furious at the same time doesn't result in rational thinking. I'm thinking how in hell does he think he can order me to go sit nicely in the living room while he finishes his beer? So, what do I say? Something just as idiotic.

"... do you think we have all the time in the world for you to sit here and finish your beer..."

omg.. i know i know.. i became a b.i.t.c.h. I can't believe I lost my temper. I didn't mean it that way at all! I would like to hang out with my cousin and her inlaws, but I felt it was time to leave and my brother just ordered me around like a chauvinistic pig! So I apologize to my hosts for being a bitch, yes I said that, and that I have to put my siblings in their place when they have stepped over the line. Uncomfortable silence... ... ...

OK, fine so we finally leave and their father, a rude man who thinks he can run over anyone he wants to, stops us and makes my brother drink another bottle of beer. argh... what? Why does my family always have to do what other people tell them to do? We are leaving. So, how does someone suddenly stop us from leaving and make my brother do something he probably didn't want to do. Well, he thought it was out of respect to drink for this old man. Why? what respect? The father was being outrageously rude to me. Why should I give him any respect? But most of all, will drinking a beer make him respect us more or is it just satisfying the father's perverse attitude? I dunno. I do not know.

With this said. NOW the point of my whole Journal. With my own attitude and personality being this way, turning into a b.i.t.c.h. and coming off as being a complete snob, how will I ever find someone who will put up with it?

To answer my own question I said:

- I don't want a man who can't deal with me.
- I Want a man who can be my equal. Just because I am a b.i.t.c.h. doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone. I just know my worth.
- Any man who can't respect that, I *so* do not want.
- And lastly, If I never find someone to be my partner for life, I’m completely happy with myself and refuse to believe that being single means being lonely.

.: and that is how I intend to live my life :.

A break from a relationship is like a healing scab. It's there. You know it takes time before the scab goes away on its own. But it's there. So you pick at it. Pick and pick until the wound is open again.

At an end of a relationship I want to know everything he is doing without him knowing that I know. It's a painful and lonely process. I wish I could time travel over the next couple of weeks.

...

depression and shop therapy is a bad combination x.x

i spent money i didn't have. crap *rant*

parents gave me a bunch of money for study abroad. and i spent most of it already T_T.

relationships ... affect all and i mean *all* aspects of our lives. timing is so bad. i need good karma...

that's what I'll do.. go find some good karma ^___^

ahh.. my new author to read. after reading about her i thought about myself. she didn't want anyone to read her diary, but she said she would be happy if someone did. ha. i feel the same. who would read MY diary when there are hundreds.. no millions of blogs and journals on the internet. all it takes is but a push of a button to erase all that I've written. i want to write. but i seem to waste my creative energy in the mirror. yes mirror. i can see my lips move. i can form my arguments. i am superior to all my imaginary friends, who aren't really imaginary. but are actual people who i imagine conversations with. i am the smartest. the most beautiful. the most talented. yeah yeah.. this idea of such a cocky being is unacceptable in our society. but i feel good when i do it. my confidence comes naturally. everything makes sense. when i look in the mirror, everything is clear. i see my eyes. i see my lips. i see the sincerity on my face. i KNOW who i am. but when i am with people i tend to lose myself in their world. my world becomes like a dream. everything is real. everything is a blur. does the world exist becuase i make it so? sure everything will continue on. the city bus schedule will be the same. people will eat. around me things will continue. but what about my world. if i stopped, would it stop too?

do we as small people make a difference in the world? or must i receive the nobel prize first? is our system so strong that nothing we wish for can happen? i suppose it depends on whose world can survive the longest? if my world was strong enough to shake other worlds as they shake mine, maybe I can make a difference. will i?

Tears blind me. It hurts. It hurts so much. I want to catch you. You are no where. Where are you? So much tears. Fist in chest. Tear drops on my shirt. I can’t. It hurts too much. Where are you?

ICE. it is an artistic group. i always wanted to go. you never wanted to. why? but now that i

A memory. short. of your rejection. i suggest we go to open mic. you act like it's so dumb. now im remembering. you never wanted to do what I wanted to do. you were never interested. why did i wait around for you? like a little puppy. waiting for your basketball game to end. taking you to the football game. you didn't think of me when you went. do you think of me? it is probably my fault for being a yes-man. yes to everything you wanted. but i thought we were only exploring. we were so young. everything was new for me. for you too. but you didn't like what i liked. no museum. no art. no open mic. reading that email made me think of all the rejections. you made me who i am. spineless. i was like my sister. you dislike her loud mouth her attitude. but how do you think she became who she is now? she followed my footsteps. i changed. for you. im sorry for it. because im not really who you want me to be and im not really who I want to be. no more.

what are you thinking? do you think of me? you are afraid that you will lose me? figure it out faster. i want to know soon. I want to be with you. but everything is telling me to run. my mind. my friends. my intuition. but i want to be with you. so bad it hurts. will i be strong enough to leave? this is my weakness. when you hurt, I hurt more. not for myself. but because you are. don't blame me. i stopped crying. no more tears. no more energy. don't blame me. no one is at fault. only that we grow up.

we went head on into our love. no looking back. no restriction. we loved so deeply. we were so young. our love was too strong. it blinded us. it made us weak. emotional. it changed us. god the memories were so good. the good ones. so good. happy. wonderful. uplifting. but reality set in. slowly slowly. so slow i didn't realize it. how many years ago? 1? 2? 3? when did it start? the moment i decide to compromise myself? that is the only thing I am sorry for. for not being stronger. to be myself. it took me so long. and letting you go will make me stronger. to be myself. without you i have nothing but me. energy unto me. you do the same. go find yourself. we'll never be together again. you know that right? never again like the way we were before. we are growing up. so much growing up to do. life is too fast. growing up too slow? everyone is passing us. but we're not all walking in the same plane. no. you and I. we were on a special road. or was that just me? i recognize that I have to still grow. do you? will you? please find yourself fast. i need to know. so that I can let go. and be me.

I dreamt about you last night. You joined the army... or military of some sort. There were women there… I was there... othermen were there. I guess I was visiting you. We were about to shower, I was naked... expecting to make love with you. Then we were watching a different couple kissing and cleaning in the tub next to ours. I was embarrassed. Other guys came in as if this was a normal routine. I didn’t understand so I covered myself with the bath curtains. You were laughing... your smile it brightens up my day. But today… it was frightening. Because you weren’t smiling with me. You were smiling at me. Teasing? What do you want me to do? Be naked in front of your fraternity? Then you said something. Boys she’s a moshu??? I’m not sure. I didn’t understand it in my dream. But it sounded like I was an old prick. As if saying that I will not show my body. It somehow made you uncomfortable because you don’t like doing things outside of the norm. ?? I not sure. But we tried to get a different bath tub. I was tired. And horny. And I missed you. You were with me. But I missed you.

Do you ever get that feeling? It made me sad.

So you want a break. To think about us. Or maybe, to get away from us. You don’t think we are going to work. Why? Why do you think that way? I never once thought that we weren’t going to work things out. I never once doubted you. But you doubt me. Why? Do you not have faith in me? Am I not strong enough?

You want me to relax. I thought I was relaxed. You don’t seem to appreciate my personality. My space. My values. I don’t like some of the things you’re doing, but I accept it as part of who you are. Why can’t you do the same for me? I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m far from it and I have not illusions about it. I try to fix what I can. You don’t see me. You see what I’m not. All that I ask is that you see me and accept that I am me. You’ll never find someone like me. You know?

You know. I'm tired. I’m really tired of life. I’m tired of restrictions. I’m tired of standards. I’m tired of doing things to make people happy. I explained to you already. I tried to make everyone happy. In the end everyone still pull the guilt trip on me. Oh pitiful me. I know so emo. But I’m done. I’ve been done. If you didn’t realize that this whole semester I’ve been doing what I want to do then you don’t understand me. You say you understand me, but you don’t even accept me.

You don’t think I understand you? It’s not that I don’t understand you; it’s that I want clarification. I never want to make a mistake. I want your opinion. I understand you the most. No, I don’t know where your hammer is. I don’t know where you keep your tools. But I know you. I have never been one for details. I never remember details. I have my strengths and I have my weaknesses. I never once thought that I was perfect.

Now what? Do you expect me to wait? Do you expect me to make a miracle? I can’t wait. I will not wait. But I will not pursue other men too. You can say, I think I’m too good for most men out there. They have to deserve me before I can love them.

Are you afraid to lose me? Just because you don’t have me doesn’t mean your future isn’t going to be happy. It just means you won’t have me in your future. That’ll be sad. I can’t imagine my future without you in it. But you have not faith in me. Now the question is... HOW WILL YOU GAIN MY CONFIDENCE BACK?

I’m confident about myself. For sure. But I’ve lost confidence in you. You hurt me. You doubt me. You don’t understand me. I cry for you. I cry with you. I cry for myself. I cry because it hurts. There is a twist in my chest. A burning in my head. I don’t know if I should be sad or mad. All of my energy is on you. Even when you don’t want me there. With you.

You said that you just wanted to do what you wanted to do. Without me. Never once did I ever think about doing something without you. You want to do things guilt free. Go ahead. It hurts and I don’t want you to. but go ahead. Do it. Figure out what you want in life. Figure out if you find the girl who fits your dreams. Figure out if I’m still in your priorities.

For me. I will do what I want. I will travel. I will spend money. I will be selfish. I will become stronger. I will become an adult.

I’m not coming back to you until I know I am your number one. Hopefully then you will also be the strong man that I hope you learn to be.